The Pathetic Vault Dweller's Survival Guide
by SeraphimVanguard
Summary: Here for you, my pathetic vault dweller, is a survival guide built just for you. The Capitol Wasteland is indeed, a horrible place, but with this guide's help, you'll be a pro adventurer in no time!
1. Chapter 1: Leaving the Nest

The Pathetic Vault Dweller's Survival Guide

Chapter 1: Time to Leave the Nest

Well, you've reached that age where you can finally spread your wings and fly. This is never an easy transition from child to adult…of course, you've picked up the female copy of this book, so, the correct terms would be 'from girl to woman'.

-"Easy transition? My dad left me and now the authorities are shooting at me!"

Sounds like a person problem…*sigh* Did you practice with that gun your father gave you before he ran off…or is this too soon to talk about?

-"I don't know where I put it!"

Well then, strangle one of the renegade guards and take the gun from his dead, cold body.

-"Ewww! That's horrible! I'm not doing that! The bodies of the Vault 101 authorities should be—"

Now that he has just shot you in the leg, I do hope your respectful view of them has changed…?

…

Good! You took my advice! Ghastly sight indeed! Look at that poor sod's face turn blue— or even purple! Oh, don't forget his gun!

-"I feel awful…"

Learning often feels awful, remember the G.O.A.T.? But yes, my, my, you're on your way to fitting into the Wasteland— Now, shoot your way to the vault exit my depraved student/reader! This is only the beginning!


	2. Chapter 2: The Sun and Megaton

The Pathetic Vault Dweller's Survival Guide

Chapter 2: The Sun and Megaton

Dearest reader! You have survived—shot the Overseer and lost a friend— but you have survived nonetheless! Now you budding career as a Capitol Wasteland Adventurer can begin!

"Ahhh! My eyes! So bright— what the hell is that thing?"

Oh yes, the sun! You have spent your whole lifetime underground that you have never been able to behold its sweltering glory! My advice is to find some sunglasses… hopefully you have explored enough dead bodies to get a pair. If not, its shopping time!

…But first, I strongly advise that you stop starring at it, you are burning your retinas!

"Much better! Wow! Now I can see that this place is a dump!"

Welcome to the Capitol Wasteland! Your new home! Mmmmm…just breathe in that irradiated air!

"*Coughs uncontrollably*"

I said breathe it! Yeah, I know, its horrible— but its not changing! Nuclear Holocaust tend to destroy of the niceness of the Earth…are you banging on the vault door?

"Let me in! I'm so sorry! Just don't let me be out here! *sobs*"

I know you can't hear it because it's a blast door, but the remaining guards are actually laughing at you. Time to get used to it my friend. You'll be trekking along the ruins of the American civilization, from sea to shinning sea…but don't drink the water, its worse than the air…

"I want to die!"

I hear the suicide rate out here is actually sky-high…along with the murders. So, that wish is easy to accomplish. But I'm here to help you get past that!

"Wait I see a group of people! Heh, look at their spikes and weird haircuts! Are they beckoning me over to them? They say they have food!"

Run!

"What- but food!"

I said run! Those are Raiders and they love ripping fine folks like you asunder with bullets…or fire…or knives…or rocket-launchers…

"Oh my god! They are running at me with spiked bats!"

Oh, and those too! Just keep running. They do actually get bored of chasing you…sometimes. Just run through that destroyed suburban neighborhood until you reach a sign that says "Megaton".

"Ha ha…There's a stupid robot guarding a tower of metal…"

That's Megaton!

"Oh god…"

Yep! Possibly your new town my vault-dwelling friend! You can blame this new life-style on your Liam Neeson voiced father! Now, run inside and breathe in that atom-bomb air!

"*Coughs uncontrollably*"

I said breathe it!

R&R if you will please— mostly about more ideas for chapters!


	3. Chapter 3: Atomic Bombs

I'm sorry these chapters took forever, but I contracted a disease called "College". Anyway, I felt inspired again, and thanks to user 'Ruven aka Lee', I have more ideas!

The Pathetic Vault Dweller's Survival Guide

Chapter 3: Atomic Bombs

"Ew! Ew! Ew!"

Ah yes, Megaton has that effect on newcomers…actually, it just has effect, period. Oh look! A heavily armed man is walking towards you! Why not greet him?

"Didn't the last heavily armed people almost kill me?"

*Sigh* You need to let things go…  
Oh so he's the sheriff! Well, it seems that Sheriff Lucas Simms is asking you to disarm a prewar bomb!

"Disarm?! You mean that thing is still active?! Who the hell would build a town around that?!"

Have you noticed the school system lately? No? Because there isn't one. Remember, we do not question the actions of the inhabitants of the Wasteland…We accept their random tasks and keep our distance. But let's wait on this one. The father that almost got you killed comes first right?

"Wow, people are worshipping the bomb?!"

What did I just say?! Anyway, Look up to that sign on top of that distant…building?

"Moriarty's saloon? There is still alcohol?"

More alcohol than water really…

"Um, how do I get up there?"

I'm sure the shoddy metal ramps should provide safe passage…  
Good! We're here!

"Gah fuck! What the hell is behind the counter—oh god! It's staring at me!"

No, no, not God, GOB!

"The hell is a Gob?!"

Mr. Gob is a friendly ghoul, here to help you get drunk enough to see green grass, because, you know, the color green no longer exist apparently. Anyway, it seems like he has been offended by your previous outbursts.

"I'm not trying to get the approval of a zombie…"

Oh look at you! Becoming a Wasteland Ass! I'm so proud! Now, time to ask him about your vagabond father.

"He won't tell me anything…oh look! Scottish guy! Or uh, Irish?"

Who cares? Both countries are done for anyway leaving behind the remnants of the stereotypical drunk, bar owner with a brogue. Ask him about your father…  
He wants you to kill a prostitute eh? Well, I know how to rectify this situation! Take your top off!

"What?! Who the hell made this survival guide?!"

He's clearly a depraved old man, and you are a woman with a chest.

"I'm not doing it! There are people around!"

Do you want to find to find your father or not?!  
…See how great things turn out when you take my advice? You got info and some admirers!

"I feel dirty…"

And you felt clean before? Anyway, let's talk to this "Three Dog" shall we?  
…Wait a moment, who is that dashing fellow in the suit sitting in the corner?

"He says his name is Mr. Burke, I think he saw my display a little bit ago… and, oh dear god, he wants me to blow up the town for five hundred caps!"

Why not?

"What?! What about all these people?"

By 'all these people' do you mean the unhelpful zombie, the prostitute over there, and the old man who had to bring you to the point of public indecency? Come on! When have I ever steered you wrong?

"Um…"

You're still living aren't you?! Now, who helped you get this far?  
…That's what I thought!

"Okay I'm here…wait! There's children here! You didn't say anything about children!"

It's a little parasite that is created when two people of the opposite genders procreate— There, I said something about children. Come on, you're a female, would you want your children to grow up in this hell hole?

"But-"

Kill the children!

"Oh no! You distracted me and I accidently triggered the bomb to go off! What do I do?!"

…Running might be a good idea?


	4. Chapter 4: Fireworks at Tenpenny

The Pathetic Vault Dweller's Survival Guide

Chapter 4: Fireworks at Tenpenny

Wow, you run fast for a soon-to-be town murderer fleeing from an atomic bomb!

"That tower! Is that the one that Mr. Burke told me to go to?!"

Ah yes, Tenpenny Tower! Beautiful isn't it?

"Sure?"

Look more raiders! Look at the rocket launcher on that one! What are you doing?! Are you hiding and crying?!

"I just want to go back to the Vault! I'm-I'm going to close my eyes and I'm going to be there!"

Oh great, the radiation is already getting to you. Okay, relax, pull out your pistol and start firing…  
Open your eyes! You need to aim in order to kill them dumbass!

"AH!"

…Well, they're dead now…maybe you should stop firing?

"I…I did it?"

Overdid it, actually. But, you're still alive and that a plus. Now loot their bodies and make sure you grab all their fancy drugs.

"Drugs?"

For selling. Please, you're already a handful to put up with, I'm not going to have you start doing drugs. Well, not yet at least.

"I'm not doing drugs!"

Oh, I'm sorry, are you protecting some bright future? I wasn't aware of all the colleges you could go to! You're right! With your brains, you could probably be a successful stockbroker for the nonexistent market! Or, or, a doctor! You know, because your father set such a great example…

"Alright! I get it!"

Good, to the tower then!

"Another ghoul is there…and he's yelling at a wall?"

Speaker, he's yelling at a speaker. Ugh, he's taking too long. Just shoot him!  
Wow, you just did it—and with no complaints!

"Because you're mean to me."

…I think the word you were looking for was 'helpful'.

"I can't believe you were installed on my Pipboy."

I'm choosing to ignore that—now press the button and tell them that Mr. Burke sent you.

"Wow, this place is actually much nicer! And there's Mr. Burke…but who's this old guy?"

Allistair Tenpenny, here to thank you for your work in Megaton!

"He wants me to press the button to kill the town…Wait, you mean I didn't screw them over yet?! I still have a chance to-"

Just look at that explosion! It practically takes over the whole horizon! Oh, just watch it reach for the heavens as it puffs up with more radiation! You, my good woman, are an artist!

"I'm a horrible person! All those people-"

Are dead!


End file.
